The Healing Process

 Let it go , let her go , move on. Focus on your studies, enjoy your life, tell us who she was. Everyone kept asking me her name and sad I couldn’t tell anyone.That’s what I’m hearing from past few days There was a reason she came in your life and the way she left. It’s a lesson for you. Don’t trust anyone in such short time. Don’t go to end before you know them completely. Don’t make them your love of life until you know them completely, until you’ve dated them. Until you’ve spent enough time together. Try to see through the heartbreak. There’s more after it. That’s not the end of life. Rise up. You have to succeed. Don’t give up. Focus on your career. Enjoy your life. You’re a great man and you’ll find someone who deserves the love you’re trying to give. This is what all my friends told me. And some of you actually made my day. I’ll share some of replies here because I think everyone should know them.
The very first one I don’t know her much. Let’s just say not at all.
“Is this seriously your own story ? Sorry for asking that but in today’s world I guess it’s kinda rare to find people talking about true love. BTW in my opinion I guess that’s not love , that’s just attraction you can say or jealousy maybe. Because as it’s said love hurts but the one you love,you let them go for the things that makes them happy , you can’t just force someone to stay or love you back. Secondly, weed? Like seriously , be real , this isn’t any film or drama stop watching emotional sastii movies first , isn’t that enough for you that Allah Tallah gave you parents , sibling , true friends, beautiful life ? your life is already complete without her , let her go , and instead of saying that you won’t be able to forget her or replace her please ask Allah, cry to him only, to make things easy for you. For sure, there’ll be someone made for you who’ll love you like you do, purely/deeply, don’t worry , just know your worth man and start loving yourself first, every person,moment,feeling is temporary just don’t get addicted.
BTW sorry for such negativity, but try to live in the reality instead of fantasizing things. But I disagree on one thing?. How do you define love? Because I define it the way I told you. I don’t think attraction and jealousy will cause you this much damage. Attraction is like a crush and it changes, it’s temporary. Right? I know I’ll be able to forget her but healing it takes time. I just can’t tell myself that there was nothing, SHE was nothing. Rushing and resistance only make it worse as far as I know. The only way is through within. And you’re right for the last part we all will get someone who deserves our love..
I’m not just addicted to her, I also love her.

Second reply came from a close friend. ” If something or someone is making you question yourself, you self worth or putting you in doubt that you’re not good enough.
Walk away from it.
No one deserves to feel that way.
NO ONE.
Don’t ever let anyone treat you in a way that would make you question your worth.
The one who’s meant for you will see the potential in you and she will be crazy about you. And that feeling will be worth it.
Don’t push things to happen.
Because if it’s meant to be it will be.
Don’t lose yourself in the process.

I guess you’re right about not losing myself in the process. But I wonder maybe, maybe losing myself will do any good. A few words of respect may come out. But nothing comes out of her mouth. I’m just knocking doors to get answers to my fucking questions. But I couldn’t find them. Same old results. Same disappointments. I was starting to fall apart because I can’t find. What happened to you that you’re like this. That you’ve become so cold heart.

Will you ever say someone ” I love you” when you don’t mean it? no, right? But you think it’s bullshit just because one man didn’t loved you the way you deserve it. So you will just say “bullshit” “bkwass”. It’s so easy for you but not for me. Every time I try to move on and it throws me back to the same place. I don’t lock my phone anymore. It’s always unlocked with your conversation opened. I crave you. I crave that maybe you can give me a chance. To keep myself emotionally and mentally on track. I’m trying to stay out with friends. I’m trying to talk to new people. I’m trying to give time to my studies which I’ve neglected a lot. I’m practicing guitar. All these distractions, why? So that I can keep myself away from your thoughts. But no matter how much you block them. They always come back at some point. When heartbreak occurs, you feel like you have lost or you are just like a wounded soldier. You have to pick yourself up and carry all the burden on your shoulders and move. Move because if you stayed, you’re dead. Healing it takes alignment. It takes courage. It requires struggle.  I know there is more to the heartbreak but I don’t want to see through it. I just want to stay in this pain and find out why did this happened? Where did I go wrong? Because closure is important. Cry if I had to , moron if I had to but I’ve got to heal. For that maybe I’ve to turn back the time. Time where I didn’t give a shit about love, where studying was first priority, where I didn’t ever smoked a cigarette. And most importantly we were strangers.A good manager I was. But do I owe a time clock? HA! No.

The only choice I have right now is to let you go. Because every breath I take makes me realize how hard it is for me to live without you and I can never have you. I tried at least. So go drift away. Fly wherever you wanna go. Love him until he leaves you like he does all the time. Love until you realize that he was just using you for fun. Come back then and maybe I’d still be waiting. I can say this but then I would be a liar. I’ll try to find someone who won’t let me question my self worth like you did. And someone in the world is always waiting for the kind of love that you’re giving. Open your eyes and search for that person. Hold on to them and never let them go.My only mistake was to love you with a love that you didn’t deserve. Yeah you deserve a person like him who doesn’t even value you. For whom you’re just a trash. In the end I just wish that someday you realize your mistake and you feel the pain that you gave me once. It’s cruelty, right? Then let it be… and If I were YOU , I would never let ME go… 

BTW: you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen…


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Story Of My Life

My Fucking Story

So it all started in let’s say 2019 just few months back when I fell for someone that I shouldn’t have and it lead me to astray. I can’t remember when my day ends and night starts. Some people just walk into our life change whatever happens next. When they come all we can do is surrender. Everything about them defeats us. The person we thought we use to be vanishes. She was the only constant girl in my life and she was close. We shared actually I shared everything with her. My deepest secrets, my flaws, literally everything. But I crossed the barrier. We were supposed to be friends and I was never meant to cross that barrier. She was beautiful, a Queen in herself. She was caring. She was funny. She was my hidden best friend,  that no one knew about, not even my university friends. It was just me and her.

 You’re the female constant in my life” and I feel proud that i can understand you better than anyone else could. I just feel like I do. Friendship and love can overlap, and create a certain grey area that is often hard to navigate. I didn’t see it coming and by the time I realized it was too late. You know me better, you know every single fucking thing about me because I never wanted to lie to you!! And guess what no fight or misunderstanding can keep us apart for long because our bond thrived on friendship first. My love for you is like home. And You Feel Like HOME !!!! I don’t want to see things go up in flames and sacrifice our friendship! I know we can never be together not like I want you to be with me. Coz you’ll never know what you mean to me. I know I’m a bad man, I’ve broken hearts, I’ve flirted a lot!! But with you it is and it’ll always be something more pure, something more pure than fucking bf/gf relationship. I fell for you because you were everything I had. Your presence keep me on track, it keeps me alive, it keeps me happy. I can never see you sad. Even though you’re sad sometimes and you don’t tell me but I can see it in your eyes. Your face tells me everything that I need to know. I’m fucking obsessed with you! Just the thought of you with being someone else haunts me every night. Every night I lay my head on couch your thoughts take up my brain. I can’t sleep, trust me all I’ve in my mind is you. But you’ll never know 🙂

There were so many reasons why I fell for her. She became everything in few months and I gave her everything that I had. My time, my love and even I destroyed my routine for you. I couldn’t sleep at nights anymore. Maybe that’s the reason why I kept sleeping in morning classes. Maybe that’s the reason why my eyes were red every morning when I came to university. It was all one sided. You never saw it coming and neither did I. If I do I would’ve stopped myself. I would have seen the destruction it would cause to me. But when I felt it, it was too late. It was screaming in my heart and I tried to put a lock on it. But my fucking feelings kept knocking harder and harder until I let them in  and I decided to tell you.  But trust me I didn’t know that I will be fucked up so badly…

I came to know that you fucking love someone. Damn, girl you said you wouldn’t but then you lied to me, get you’re your fucking fix and now all my feelings are fucking mixed. What the fuck you did? Damn, he must be lucky. Because I know you well. When you decide to love anyone in your life you do it with full heart and there is no one who can stop you. Every time I saw you meet him or his text on your phone. I’m shattered to bits. Every time I see you , I fucking fell for you. The way you smile with your eyes almost close and you make that particular face when I caught you doing work wrong that’s end. That’s true beauty of you. Does anyone ever let you know that? I guess no one did… There’s only one thing that I want you to change and that is your decision. I only got one chance to say I love you to your face and even then you didn’t look at me. You disrespect every word I say when it comes to love. And you ask me I like that?  NO I don’t. The thing I’m trying to tell is that I would do anything I’ll hear anything to get to you. I know you can’t love me but can you just respect my feelings for you. You know on rave you were looking so gorgeous I can’t explain the way you did your hairs and the makeup it was all perfect on point. And the dress oh my God you were looking like the Queen Of Yourself.
You’re too busy to be with him. When I see you blush because it’s his message, I just wish that it was me. I’m kinda jealous but what else can I do. You don’t want me, you don’t care about how I feel. And sometimes when you’re sad because of him I wish that I could hold your hand and give you a hug and shoulder to cry on. But you never wanted me too and you never will I guess. You’re just too perfect for me in all areas. I’ve been through so many heartbreaks because everyone I try to love leave me or is already loving someone. I’m sorry I fell for you. I COULDN’T HELP IT. And you’re angry about it. Why ? I didn’t ask you to love me back. I’m just sad that I’ve not enough money that can make me stable which in turn could help me get you. But until I get enough money you will be long gone, married to someone rich , someone stable, living in a mansion, raising two or three child. But guess what we’ll still be friends right. If I was stable right now I would’ve talked to you and then your brothers and then your parents. I’m not afraid of anyone. If you wanted me, I could’ve got you. You’re my best friend, you’re everything I’ve. I love you and I love you for what you’re. Stay the same and be happy because I can never see you sad. I’ll always be there when you need me. Anyplace anytime!!
You’ll never stop caring about him right? Why? I just don’t understand! Do you see perfection in him because I can’t? I tried but I can’t! So what it is that you find in him and that isn’t in me? What fucking it is? I hate that I’m in love with you. I shouldn’t be but when you’re around all I see is YOU. I’m fucking crying right now and you’re the reason I’ve never cried for anyone in my life.You don’t deserve him. Help me please I need you 🙂 I feel like my heads going to explode and no one is there to save me! How the fuck I’m supposed to get over you? I’m not perfect no one is and I’m not writing for the money. I’m writing this for you. These broken words carrying my fucking feelings and I don’t know that if you’re laughing on these words or not or if you are even reading them.  But these fucking words are all I got!! What are you trying to do? Are you trying push me away! And if you think that you can push me away like this then you better know this… you will put hate in my heart and I don’t want to hate you. So please think before you say something, my weakness? Yeah I love you so much, I love you most! Going insane, standing here, screaming your name. Can’t you look at my face and tell me the pain I’m fighting. Now I’m watching you with him excuse me for my jealousy because this is depressing. It’s funny when I’m smoking only your name comes out. What goes up come down so I think I’m falling. This all happened too fast and soon I’ll crash I know. So are you going to catch me or let me slip? With every cigarette that I light I’m trying to burn myself , burn the memories, the feelings I’ve for you as lover. Maybe that’s the reason I’m smoking too much… I can try and find a person like you but I know I’ll fail badly so I don’t consider it worth trying. I consider words powerful thing when actions are not enough for anyone. That is why I’m writing and also that I can direct my angers in my words. But words are nothing when you don’t even read them properly. You read them by skipping lines and words in between and you think what crazy motherfucker I’m. This crazy motherfucker loves you more than anyone could. The only way I felt that you acknowledge my feelings are through my words so maybe they can have some impact or they will land in your trash box once again….:) now you’re gone again and I’m all alone it’s my solitude. It’s always with me.  I don’t to know what to say anymore, what to think anymore… My thoughts are just fading away but they are making my feelings more stronger more intense for you. When will you give a fuck about US!! Sometimes I just can’t breathe. The smoke I can feel in the air and when I wake up sometimes I feel the taste of tar in my throat..

But your arrogance is unbearable. I’m writing this again and again. Because I don’t do anything that’s not tolerable by you but when you do anything wrong I let you go every single fucking time. Tell me isn’t that fucking love or is that a bullshit. I got these feelings but then you never mind this shit. Whatever step I take to make you happy leads me to disappointments and heartbreaks but If they were to lead me to you, fine I can bear that. But what if I’m waiting for something that never happens? Waste of time or destruction of my fucking self. I want to be something that moves you, that stares soul I want make you feel the love that you have never felt before. I actually hate you for leaving me in a world where I have to find someone that will never compare to you. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to want me  but you never understand what I mean. Sometimes I feel like am I ever your friend yr? not even close sometimes…..!! I look in the mirror and my reflection is faded, my eyes won’t stay open. I’m unaware if it’s from the weed I smoked or if it’s because of the pain you left me with. They have the same effect. I’m going about this all the wrong way, trying to forget you with drugs like any of these things could ever replace you. They can’t. They just can’t. The words escape me when I try to speak, they fade when I try to write. Tears flow but why I’m I even crying for you. After all I’m not afraid of dying. Don’t I believe that there’s an end that we can’t escape. But some fucking day you’ll know what these words meant. You’ll regret what you did. We all do..! one part of my brain tells me to get away from you and other part wants to stay with you. I know you’re no good to me but my heart wants you and moreover I need you. Just come HOME. I’ll wait as long as I could..:)